What is Divorce Mediation?
Divorce mediation is
about you and your soon to be ex-spouse deciding your own
divorce and what is best for the both of you and most
importantly, your children. In mediation, you and your
spouse meet with a neutral third party, the mediator, and
with their help, you work through the issues you need to
resolve so the two of you can end your marriage as amicably
and cost effective as possible. The issues covered include
but at not limited to the following:
1.
Distribution of Property
(Assets/Liabilities)
2.
Child Custody and Parenting
Time
3.
Child Support/Maintenance
4.
Retirement
5.
Taxes
In mediation, the
couple, with the help of the mediator, works out agreements
on the above issues. Sometimes agreements come easy,
sometimes they take time and a lot of work. When agreements
are hard to reach, that is when the mediator intervenes. It
is the mediators job to keep the lines of communication
open, brainstorm ideas, reality test the couple, teach
empathy and assist the couple in their decision making
process. Mediators help keep the couple focused on the
issues at hand, trying not to get them off track. When
divorcing couples get off track and away from the above
issues during mediation, arguing, name-calling and bad prior
memories are brought up.
Mediation is flexible and confidential. It gives you and
your spouse a way to settle the conflict between you in a
way that helps you to work together as parents. This is
extremely important if you have children and must interact
with your ex-spouse after you are divorced. Mediation brings
about communication between the couple, which can then be
used when they must discuss issues in pertaining to the
children. Lack of communication may have been one of the
main reasons for their divorce. Mediation has the ability to
help the couple learn to communicate again, if only for the
sake of the children, and make their post-divorce
relationship better than their married one.
A divorce mediator is neutral and doesn't "work" for either
parent. That means the mediator can not give advice to
either party. They must remain neutral no matter what the
situation.
What the mediator can do, though, is assist the divorcing
couple in formulating ideas that can eventually lead to
agreements that will stand the test of time. That open and
free exchange of information frees up both spouses to
negotiate with each other in confidence. Because both
spouses are working with the same base of information, it
usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that
makes sense to both spouses.
Mediation is voluntary. It continues only for so long as all
three of you - you, your spouse, and the mediator -- want it
to. Mediations can be conducted weekly, every two weeks,
monthly or how ever often the couple wants them to be. This
is their mediation and they decide everything in the
process.
How long does divorce mediation take and
what are the costs?
The length of mediation
depends on what issues have been agreed to prior to
mediation and those issues that need to be addressed during
mediation. Also, the amount of time spent in mediation is
contingent upon you and your spouse's willingness to come to
agreements that are equitable for the both of you and your
willingness to do what is in the best interests of your
children.
The time spent in
mediation can be reduced if you and your spouse are able to
come to agreements prior to mediation, or at the least,
narrow down your options to a few workable ones. However, if
you and your spouse are not able to discuss your divorce
outside of mediation, it is strongly recommended that you
avoid it at all costs. When couples try to work out issues
on their own and it leads to arguments and "drawing lines in
the sand", it makes mediation more difficult and time
consuming.
On average, pre-decree
divorce mediation can be completed in 4-10 sessions. Again,
how long it takes really depends on what if any
communication there is between the divorcing couples and
their level of animosity for each other. If either one of
the spouses is unwilling to budge from their certain
position on a divorce issues, mediation may not be an option
for them and they may have to litigate in court. Once this
happens, communication is shut down and the fight begins.
In 2005, the average
mediated case cost $3000 and was settled in 90 days. In
turn, the average litigated case in the courts cost $15,000
and took 18 months to settle. Keep in mind, the litigated
cases led to more spite and frustration between the
divorcing couples, usually leading to a lose/lose situation
for both. Not many people walk away from a litigated divorce
feeling satisfied. On the other hand, couples who went
through mediation felt satisfied with the agreements they
had reached and both walked away feeling that they had
gotten what they had wanted. Who would you rather have
decide what happens with your children and assets after a
divorce, you during mediation or attorneys and judges during
a divorce in the courts? Who knows more about you,
attorneys, judges or you? Why have people who know nothing
about you tell you how you are going to live the rest of
your life.
Also, divorce in the
court system is public domain. Anybody can sit in court and
hear the specifics of your divorce. On the other hand,
mediation is confidential, private and conducted behind
closed doors. In mediation, there are no attorneys putting
up walls between you and your spouse. Mediation is about
working together, doing things in the best interests of your
children and focusing on being able to be parents for your
children for years to come. Unfortunately, divorce in the
court system is designed to put up that wall and limit
communication, which inevitably leads to many post divorce
problems and many more hours and thousands of dollars in
court.
Brian James is a Divorce
Mediator with offices in Northern Illinois and Southern
Wisconsin. He is the founder and owner of C.E.L. &
Associates, a private mediation firm that focuses on pre and
post decree divorce issues. His background consists of 10.5
years working with domestic violence and divorcing families
in the Criminal Justice System. He is a member of numerous
mediation organizations and local chambers of commerce. His
goal is to assist his clients in their time of need and help
them work out agreements that are best for them and their
children. At the same time, he tries to save his divorcing
couples time and money that is otherwise wasted in the court
system. What would you rather do with your money during a
divorce, pay it to an attorney or invest it in your child's
college education?
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