Suggestions for
Effective Collaborative Negotiations
"The Help
List"
During All
Meetings with Your Partner and with the Collaborative
Lawyers:
1. View your
"ex" as a negotiation problem-solving partner. Although the
two of you are separating it is helpful to consider that
person as someone who can actively and constructively
participate in resolving the issues created by your
separation. For that reason that person is referred to as
your "partner" in this list of suggestions.
2. Be
constructive. Only do or say those things which will be
effective. Being effective and constructive means always
remaining focused on achieving goals that are consistent
with your interests and principles and always acting in ways
that you believe could lead to a solution.
3. Take
responsibility for your feelings and do not allow your
feelings to dictate your actions. When you feel that you
have been wronged, it is hard not to dwell on the wrongdoing
that you feel has been inflicted upon you and hard not to
remain focused on blaming your partner and hard not to
expect the worst. When you allow yourself to be governed by
such feelings you are dwelling in the past and limiting your
ability to move forward. Look at what has happened --
including your own part in it -- and set whatever boundaries
and limits you may need to protect yourself in the future.
Then focus your attention on what will help you in the
future.
4. Avoid using
inflammatory language and gestures. Critical speech, blame,
the use of sarcastic inflections and accusatory looks, can
all cause a spiral of unproductive conversation. Notice if
you are angry, fearful, hurt, or in pain and if need be,
remove yourself from the immediate situation until you feel
more able to participate constructively. When you catch
yourself reacting in a potentially inflammatory way, or
someone else points out your reaction, use that awareness as
a tool to understand yourself and your needs.
5. Speak for
yourself, not for your partner. When speaking about your
partner, try not to describe his/her feelings or
motivations. Focus on your own feelings. For example, if you
feel that a particular statement is not true, express your
concerns by stating that "I don't trust you. I am not able
to believe what you are saying." Do not state "You are a
liar." The former statement is clearly true. The latter
statement may be subject to debate and can easily
precipitate an unnecessary argument. The latter statement
also does not address the serious issue of lack of trust.
Negotiators refer to this preferred manner of expression as
making "I" statements. "I" statements are never followed by
the words "that you . . ." For example, saying "I feel that
you are a liar" is not an "I" statement. "I" statements
express your own underlying concerns or feelings; they do
not describe your partner or his/her actions.
6. Remember
that the collaborative process is completely voluntary. You
and your partner will continue in collaboration only so long
as you both wish. You are free to terminate the process at
any time. You have the right to say "no" at any time. It is
important to remember this right. Knowledge of your
entitlement to stop at any time gives you the freedom to
consider options without feeling coerced.
7. Be
creative. Attempt to think "outside of the box." Be willing
to consider as many options as possible for meeting your
interests as well as your partner's. Focus on being
creative. For example, "brainstorm" potential options and
develop as many choices as possible before shifting into an
evaluative mode and choosing solutions. If you already have
ideas about how certain issues should be resolved, be
willing to park those ideas on the shelf while facts and
priorities are reviewed and options are developed. You can
always reconsider your original ideas later, after much more
information has been gathered. The best and most lasting
solutions are those that emerge from broad consensus about
the facts and shared awareness of goals and priorities
8. Respect the
fact that the big changes taking place in your relationship
will present different challenges for you and your partner.
You are both going through a difficult transition. Sometimes
the difficulties are greater for one person than the other.
Sometimes one of you will have already fully accepted the
idea of the relationship ending, while the other is just
starting to adjust to that reality. You will each have
different needs and a different timetable over which such
adjustments will occur. You will each process information
differently and make decisions in different ways. Be
respectful of these differences and difficulties and do not
take them personally. Consider the possibility that each of
you is doing the best that you can.
9. Consider
conflict as an opportunity to be creative. Most people
encounter at least a few issues which are very sensitive and
which can lead to some conflict. The potential for conflict
should not lead to the avoidance of important issues.
Conflict can be useful inasmuch as it can help clarify what
is most important to each partner, and why. Conflict can be
a useful tool if it leads to a productive result and is
handled skillfully and respectfully. Collaboration does not
imply an absence of conflict. Collaborative Law does provide
an opportunity to approach potential conflict with a
constructive solution-oriented attitude.
10. Listen
carefully to your partner's expressed feelings, priorities,
concerns, and interests. It is very Important that you try
to understand what matters to your partner, and why. True
collaboration aims for maximum consensus, which implies that
everyone will be attempting to find resolutions that
encompass as much as possible of what is important to each
of you. Mutual understanding is a prerequisite for
optimizing results. Sometimes when you don't agree with what
someone else is saying you will be fearful that expressing
your understanding signifies agreement. Listening to and
understanding what someone is saying does not constitute
agreement. It is, however, an essential ingredient in the
collaborative problem-solving process.
11. Be
optimistic! There is no risk attached to choosing optimism,
and much potential benefit. You may not have chosen to
separate, but even an unwelcome separation offers unexpected
opportunities to “push the reset button.” Remain optimistic
that with diligence and effort a mutually acceptable result
is possible. There is no guarantee that the process of
reaching agreement will be effortless or without
difficulties. However, even the most difficult conflicts can
be resolved when there is the intention to do so.
12. We are all
responsible for the application of "The Help List." This
process will work best if at the commencement all
participants give everyone else permission to comment gently
when one of the principles above is not being applied. The
lawyers are as responsible as the parties for applying the
list.
Copyright © 2006
by
Pauline Tesler and Peggy Thompson
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